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Showing posts from December, 2013

Moving foward

It's quite strange on Facebook at the moment, with lots of people reflecting on the year they've had, and the year they hope for. Strange because there's so much of my year that I haven't shared (although I bet if I asked my 'friends' they'd say I put just about everything up on Facebook ;) I'm drawn by nature to reflection, and part of me would like to join in, but I think perhaps I'll keep my musings here for now.

I've been a bit quiet on here the last few days - processing, I suppose, and recovering. Physically I'm doing well; still tiring quite easily (but it has only been four days after all) but although I was in a fair amount of pain straight after the op it was actually pretty much gone by the next day, just the occasional twinge.

Emotionally I've been surprised to find relief, acceptance, and a real sense of being ready to move forward. I think in my heart of hearts I never really believed this pregnancy was going to end any dif…

Home

Just a quick note for those of you who are following.. back home now, a bit tired and sore but fine. The op went well and I came out of it a little weepy but basically relieved that it's all resolved. Thanks for all the messages over the last few days, it has meant so much to both of us to have all your love and support.

xxx

Here we are again

It was really hard to get up this morning. I'll admit that mornings are always a bit of a challenge, but this was in a different league. And even after I'd got over that particular mental barrier and got showered, dressed, and in the car, getting out again at the hospital seemed like an impossible feat.

Obviously this was never going to be a fun day out, but I hadn't anticipated quite how hard I'd find it to go through this for the second time within six months.

The doctors are saying this should be easy - apparently the sac thing is very low in the womb and might even just fall out after I've taken some drugs to dilate my cervix. Although they're very clear that this is my decision, there seems to me to be an undercurrent that this isn't really necessary, doesn't really warrant surgery. The nurses as usual are fabulous, but seeing yet another doctor with yet another opinion is taking its toll, and my already-thin patience is getting increasingly strain…

Nerves

I'm not really nervous about the actual operation. I'd rather not have to do it, obviously, but this will be my fourth general anaesthetic so I'm pretty much used to the process.

The bit I'm nervous about is the moment of waking up.

I remember vividly the last time I was in this situation; there's a moment where you're just waking up, still a bit groggy, and your brain is gradually working out where you are and what's just happened. At that moment of consciousness all I was aware of was that I'd had a baby inside me, and now it was gone. I remember being virtually hysterical, crying for Husband (who had been told to wait on the ward) and the overwhelming flood of grief and loss.

Given that I was totally aware I'd already miscarried, and all that was left was a small amount of tissue, I was really unprepared for how the operation would affect me, how vulnerable I was going to be in those waking moments. I had already lost the baby, and I thought I wa…

... and a Happy New Year!

Blood test results are in, and the pregnancy is definitely over.

I'm going in to hospital on Friday for what is officially termed an 'Evacuation of Retained Product of Conception', but which most people call a DNC. Basically I'm having the leftovers scraped out. (Nice.)

It's all a bit sudden.. but that was a choice we made as to be honest I really just want to get it over and done with. Husband had booked the next week off work so we can all go and visit his parents; which equals more people to help look after me while I recover, and a couple of cousins that Fairy doesn't get to see very often to distract her from a poorly and emotional mummy.

The other main option was to wait and see what happens - or come and have another scan in a week or so, but three internal ultrasounds in four weeks is quite enough thanks.

Given that this is the second miscarriage I've had in five months, and last time I bled for six weeks, had numerous visits to the urgent gynae cl…

So, are you looking forward to Christmas then?

... said the doctor, writing out instructions for my blood test. "To be honest, we haven't really been in the mood" I said. Probably not very politely. This was about half way through our meeting with the doctor (after a two hour wait) and to put it mildly I was getting a little bit narked with his attitude.

He opened with the classic - "Well it's not really looking like you're pregnant so we'll just do a blood test and if it confirms you're not pregnant then, you know, bye bye!". You can imagine how that went down with husband and I, after dragging ourselves out of bed to get in to hospital for 8.50 on Christmas Eve morning in the desperate hope that we'd get some answers.

Once I'd very firmly established that I would expect a little more than a wave goodbye (yes he did actually wave while he said it) he further endeared himself to me by 'reassuring' me that the worst case scenario would be some bleeding and a bit of period-type…

Approach with caution.

.. Me, that is.

D'you know, I've just had the most rotten couple of days. No particular reason, just feeling utterly pathetic and sorry for myself. I'm miserable, grumpy, and irritable; and whatever you do, don't ask me for a favour. Or probably even the answer to a question.

Unsurprisingly, poor Husband is bearing the brunt of all this, as a punishment for that most heinous crime of *not* being the one who is pregnant. And what's more, he has the audacity to go to work every day, where he can think about other stuff and forget about what else is going on. (This is probably one of the times when being self-employed isn't the best thing in the world...)

Just one week to go now until the next scan - one more week of not knowing. The worst bit isn't even the uncertainty for the future, it's the uncertainty of *now*. It's not that I might miscarry tomorrow, next week, next month (although admittedly that's not a pleasant thought) it's that I do…

Christmas... apparently

We've got workmen round today fitting new front and back doors. They very politely asked if I minded them putting the radio on, which was fine until I realised that most stations are relentlessly pumping out Christmas pop at the moment.

Now, normally Christmas pop is my second-favourite genre of music and once my birthday is over I don't need any more excuses to play it on a loop everywhere I go, but this year I'm not feeling especially festive.

It's not really surprising I suppose, but it makes me a bit sad; normally I love Christmas. In some ways I'm quite glad that Fairy is due to go to her dads this year so I don't have to force myself to be cheerful, but in other ways I'd be quite glad of the distraction, and the chance to enjoy the child that I already have.

Still no news I'm afraid.

Friday 13th - happy scan day!

Or not so happy scan day as it turned out. We *still* don't have any definitive answers as to what's going on. Today's appointment can be summarised thus:

- maybe-baby has grown from 4mm to 6mm
- this isn't as much growth as they would expect
- they can see something called a 'yolk-sac' but no heartbeat yet
- this doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't a heartbeat, it may just be too early to see it
- come back on Christmas Eve and we'll have another look

Everybody seems completely confounded as to what's going on. Seeing as I've had a positive pregnancy test and am exhibiting certain signs of early pregnancy there's no reason to assume that there's anything else going on - but until they see a heartbeat they can't totally confirm anything. I'm still only 7+5 so it's such an early stage, and even the gynae doctor admitted it's basically guesswork at this stage and they can't date a…

Waiting

Just two more days til my next scan.. well, two more nights really as I'm writing this just before heading to bed. I'm absolutely dreading it.

What I've realised though is I'm actually dreading both outcomes.

If we get there and find the possibly-baby hasn't grown, or there's no heartbeat, then we'll have to deal with having lost two babies within six months. Seeing as I haven't miscarried naturally it will probably mean an operation to remove the tissue, and I would guess more blood tests to rule out molar pregnancy like they did last time.

But if we find there *is* a heartbeat, and it *has* grown..? Well, then we'll be counting down to the 12 week scan to see if the placenta has attached properly. More uncertainty. And as we're counting down, every day that goes by my pelvis gets a little bit looser, my back a little more painful.

Assuming the 12 week scan goes ok I'll probably be on crutches by then. I might be in a wheelchair. And with e…

Still pregnant.. I think.

Well, the days go by and I still don't appear to have miscarried. I spent a few days absolutely convinced that I was just about to, or at the very least that the baby had died but my body just hadn't caught up yet. I still haven't entirely ruled that out if I'm honest, but I've come to realise that I don't have any actual evidence that the pregnancy isn't going ahead as normal, so there probably isn't any reason to be miserable about it. The main thing that worried me was the fact that whatever they found in the scan was a bit smaller than they were expecting.. but then there's any number of reasons for that. It might just be that I have a longer cycle than average so the dates are a bit out.

Only three days to go until the scan. All I need is to see that it's grown a bit. And a heartbeat would be nice, of course.

Yesterday hubby and I pretended we were normal expecting parents and talked about names. Most of his suggestions came from Lord of th…

Patience... is a virtue I am not particularly blessed with.

I'm going a bit mad at the moment... I've spent all weekend convinced I'm going to miscarry at any second and then being genuinely surprised when I haven't.

I just don't *feel* very pregnant at the moment. I have no idea why - it might well be because I'm entering the third week of a nasty chest infection and I'm a bit busy feeling poorly, or it might be because I'm still feeling a bit flat after the scan non-result earlier this week. I'm finding it really hard to stay positive. Right now, I genuinely can't see this ending in a baby. In some weird way I almost feel angry with my body for deceiving me, for faking this pregnancy and getting my hopes up.

This morning I thought to myself that I may as well just let it go and stop worrying (which is exactly what my mum would tell me to do if I told her). If I'm going to miscarry there is literally nothing I can do about it, it will either happen or it won't. But it's actually not as simpl…

Tick... tick... tick...

I feel a bit like I'm a timebomb waiting to go off.

I'm waiting for *something* to happen, some sign of what my body is intending. I've been thinking for about a week that I should have started throwing up by now (based on the fun I had with my first pregnancy) and every time I feel a bit nauseous wondering if that's the start of the ten-times-a-day stomach emptying joy. Weirdly though, I kind of wish I was - at least that would be a sign that my body had recognised the pregnancy.

The other thing I'm waiting for is to miscarry. I still can't really believe that I'm going to come out of all of this with a baby. Every time I get a twinge in my stomach, I wonder. Every time I go to the loo I check for blood.

I realised last night how hard it's going to be if/when I do miscarry. Despite trying to take things a day at a time, and despite having quite genuinely low expectations of the outcome of this pregnancy, my whole body knows I'm pregnant, and it'…

Home away from home

The urgent gynae clinic at the local hospital has become a very familiar place. There were two nurses there today I was on first name terms with from the miscarriage and I knew the radiologist as well. Feels kind of odd.. strangely comforting in a way to be in a familiar place, knowing all their little routines, but at the same time knowing that the reason I'm there is because this pregnancy is anything *but* routine.

They asked me to go in for a viability scan today. I wasn't sure what that meant, but it turned out that they basically want to check that there is an actual live baby inside me. Creeped me out a bit to be honest, as when you've been working on the assumption that regardless of what happens tomorrow at least you've got a baby right now, it shakes you a bit to find out that not everyone assumes that's the case.

As it turns out, they aren't quite sure yet. They did find something inside my uterus but it's too small to really see properly. I don&…

Man + woman = baby

To most people it really is as simple as that. 'Not wanting' children seems to be an easier state to accept (although I'm sure there are people who still struggle to believe it could be possible) and it's become fairly well accepted that if you have trouble conceiving then you toddle off for IVF which solves all your problems.

But trying to get people to understand that it doesn't always work like that is very hard. More often than not, IVF doesn't actually work. Sometimes no matter how much you crave to have a child it just doesn't happen.

For me, I'm pregnant, so it must be simple from now on, right? Just hang in there for 34 more weeks and squeeze out my little bundle of joy, who I will of course take one look at and fall in love with instantly and all the wrongs of the world will be righted.

Perhaps 'High risk' pregnancy just doesn't mean anything to most people? How can you possibly even pretend to understand what I'm going through …