Showing posts from January, 2014


It seems like I only blog these days when I'm feeling miserable. Understandable that I'm drawn to it, as I've always found it quite theraputic to write my feelings down, but it does give the impression to any reader that I'm permanently unhappy, so I'd just like to take a quick moment to reassure you that that's not the case...!

Today's reflective mood came via sympathy for a colleague who has just lost his mum - he volunteers for me on the festival I run, and his admirable juggling of festival responsibilities at a time of great family sadness reminds me of the position I was in nearly two years ago when I lost my darling Granny three weeks before the first festival. I doubt there is a single day that goes past when I don't think of her. She never met my husband; she'll never get to meet the rest of my children.

Aside from my mum, Granny was probably the single most influential person in my life. She was such a caring, kind, and generous person, an…

A quiet sort of Saturday

It's Saturday morning. (It's not, it's actually afternoon but I haven't got up yet, so that counts as still morning.) Fairy is at her dad's, husband has gone out to get his haircut. I'm at home with a big pile of admin that I'm supposed to be doing but Just Can't Be Bothered With.

I can't quite work out if I'm coming or going at the moment. I've got two major things happening alongside each other - starting the adoption process and preparing to go in to surgery for a sterilisation. Really they should work quite nicely together, but at the moment it doesn't seem like it.

I'm not sure if it's just because I'm nervous about the actual process of surgery, or whether there's still some grieving to be done over it all. Except I do know really, and there is. Even after all this time I still find it difficult to get my head around the fact that I really want to have more biological children, but I don't want to go through pre…

Emergency chocolate

It is the most amazing feeling when you're very hormonal and debating leaving early for the school run in order to nip to the shops for some chocolate *and have time to eat it* before good manners and example setting forces you to share - only to discover some you bought before Christmas and put away in the cupboard! Result!

I've often wondered if there's an actual *thing* about hormones and chocolate. I'm sure if I could be bothered to google I'd find lots, but then I might find something saying there isn't a thing, and then I'd have no excuse...

My hormones are rampant at the moment. I'm hoping it's just my body trying to find it's way back to normality again and it will all settle back down.. fingers crossed. I'm managing to face the world for short periods of time, and for the rest of it there's a comfy sofa and a blanket - all part of the 'being kind to myself' initiative. It's times like this I'm very glad I work fr…

Patience, tolerance, and understanding

We started to tell people about the adoption yesterday - more people, I mean, as our close friends and family have all known for a while. The reaction to it has been great, but also quite thought-provoking.

Firstly I've been amazed by the people who've said what a lovely thing it is to do, and how they have respect for us for doing it.  They're not wrong, of course, but I hadn't expected that reaction; it's not like we're being completely selfless here. In fact, I'd go as far to say that we will get as much out of the experience as the child will..! I suppose my concern here is that I don't want this to become something it's not - it's not some big altruistic journey, it's us wanting a bigger family. It just so happens we're doing it by giving a home to a child who needs one, but the end result is no different.

The second thought-provoking reaction came from a very well-meaning (but possibly ill-informed) friend of Husband's, via fac…


OK, I'm a bit excited ;)

I just made the phonecall which is the first step on the road to us adopting a child :) In a funny sort of way this last miscarriage seems to have been just what I needed to finish off the biological-children chapter of my life. I am so grateful for the moments that it gave me, and so ready to take the next step and give a home to a child who needs one.

I feel like my life has been preparing me for this - from temping with the Child Protection team in the Police before my teacher training, falling in to working with Special Needs, mentoring vulnerable children, teaching Music to homeless people, studying and teaching developmental psychology - and attachment in particular - right down to my love of Supernanny and down-on-my-knees worship of Dr Tanya Byron (who remembers House of Tiny Tearaways?!).

In all those other jobs I felt frustrated because the help I could offer was restricted - by working hours, by professionalism, by red tape... I can't count …

Too much, too soon.

All things considered I've been feeling pretty well after the op - I was up and about within a few days, and although I was quite tired was managing to rest for a fair part of each day. However I've fallen in to the trap of thinking I'm much better than I am. As soon as Fairy went back to school I dived head first in to the work that has been mounting up since November, stressing about how far behind I was and working well in to the evening. Of course stressing about work meant I wasn't sleeping well, and being tired meant I wasn't finding it easy to work, which unsurprisingly made me even more stressed out. Doh.

So today I'm in bed. I'm even hoping to sleep a bit, if I can switch off (or at least muffle) the incessant nagging inside my head.


I'm finding it hard to manage my emotions at the moment. For the first couple of days after the op it was sheer relief that it was all over; with the anaesthetic still coursing through my system I think I was a bit too dopey to think about anything else.

Now I feel like it's all just hit me.

I can explain to myself what's going on - my body has been through a traumatic experience, and I'm having to contend with fluctuating hormones (something I've never managed very well) as my body tries to balance itself out again now it's finally noticed that I'm not actually pregnant.

Knowing why doesn't really help though. I still want to curl up in a ball under the duvet.