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Showing posts from January, 2016

Attachment

Bit of a departure from my usual style of blog today, to talk about one of my pet topics...

'Attachment' is a really fashionable word at the moment, and it's bandied around a lot in the adoption world. As a Psychology graduate with some post-grad experience as a Research Assistant in Developmental Psychology, attachment is one of my favourite topics; unfortunately during my adoption journey I've encountered a lot of mis-use of the term, and it's been winding me up. I have actually heard Social Workers dismiss attachment theory as something akin to 'pop psychology'; something they *have* to teach in the preparation groups but which isn't actually that useful in real life.

For my own satisfaction (mainly just to see if I can), and for anyone like my Husband who has been baffled by all of this seemingly-important-but-definitely-not-making-any-sense information, I'm going to try to explain attachment theory, and – more importantly – how it's relevan…

Biological children do that too, you know...

I love my friends. Really I do. I am totally blessed to have made friends with some truly awesome people throughout my life, and thanks to the invention of social media, have been able to easily keep in touch with them even when our lives have diverged and we no longer see each other regularly. I have been truly touched by the amount of support I've had during this process, not just from the people I interact with regularly but also from friends who I haven't seen in years.

One thing that I find most difficult though, is that despite how awesome my friends are, occasionally one of them will offer the comment that I'm sure all adopters will be only too familiar with: "Biological children do that as well, you know..."

Now, I *know* that they mean this in the best possible way. (Not everyone who says this does, granted, but my friends are FAB.) They are trying to reassure me, in my time of need, that Tickle's behaviour is perfectly normal, and I shouldn't wo…

Don't want to say I told you so...

OK, I admit it. That's a lie. I absolutely want to say I told you so.

I'm a bit frustrated this evening, as I've just got back from Tickle's first session at gymnastics club. I know the club pretty well, as it's the one Fairy has been going to for years, and last week I had a really long chat with one of the owners, explaining our situation, saying that Tickle was keen to join, but that he would need 1:1 support to be able to fully access the activities and also to keep him focused, feeling secure, and behaving properly. Tickle gets DLA (Disability Living Allowance) because of his learning needs, so I offered to pay for an extra coach so that he could have someone with him at all times - plus me on the sidelines for backup and reassurance. Yes, yes, this was all fine, I was told. We have loads of coaches on a Friday, so why not come along for the first week and see how he gets on, and if we need to hire someone else we will do, but I'm sure he'll be fine. (…

Biting

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One week ago, Tickle bit me for the first time. Not a playful little nip, or just worrying my clothes, but hard enough to graze the skin (through my clothes) and leave a full set of teeth marks on my stomach. The photo on the right (below) was taken two days later - the bruise is still there today.


At the time it was a massive shock - it hurt *so much* - and Husband immediately went in to overprotective mode, ordered me out of the room, and did the whole of bedtime himself while I sat in our bedroom and cried. It's a funny thing to talk about, as I know that some people would be horrified, but for some adopters this sort of thing occurs multiple times in a day, and they have a great many more bruises and sets of teeth marks than I do. However, it's not much use doing comparisons to others; it was painful and shocking, and I hadn't expected it - I've been hurt by Tickle before, but not any more than I frequently do to myself bumping in to things, and there was never any…

The importance of being Mummy

My little man is very aware of the fact that he has two mummies and two daddies. It's not really that surprising; he lived with his birth parents until he was five and a half, so like any other kid that age had formed strong attachments (particularly to birth mum) before he was removed.

There is this thing social worker do, called a Later Life Letter, which I think is absolute genius. The LLL is written by the social worker, to the child, and it describes things from the social worker's point of view, leading to an explanation of why the child was removed from their birth parents. It is really, *really* common for children to be fiercely loyal to birth parents, and to frequently express a wish to go back there, regardless of how dangerous or difficult their life was. The LLL is not meant to be an attack on the birth parents, but to provide some context so the child can come to understand why the decision was made. For example, it might describe the conditions that the social w…