I'm not having a great day

I've been sat here with this browser window open for at least an hour without writing anything. I don't really know where to start.

I am living in a world of domestic violence. There is not a day that goes past at the moment where someone in our family doesn't get hit, head butted, bitten, or kicked. Fairy is getting hit on the head about once a week, and only last week had her hair pulled so hard she was pulled right over. Missiles are thrown, sometimes just in a fit of anger, sometime aimed with precision. It's only a matter of time before one of us ends up visiting A&E.

If it was Husband acting like this, the authorities would be all over us. But at the moment war is being raged on our house by a small boy of seven.

It might sound silly, written like that. How can a child do that much damage? And yet Fairy had a lump on her head for a fortnight from something that he threw at her, and the only reason I avoided a broken nose was because I saw it coming just in time to move back.

We are so worn down. Our resilience has been stripped away, layer by layer. I've been trying to work out recently why it feels to us like things are so much worse, but when we look at it objectively, actually they're not. I mean, they are worse, but not by the amount it often feels like. Maybe my perspective has skewed completely; a good day now is one where he's only hit someone once, and at least it's a family member and not a total stranger. Or maybe we simply have nothing left to give.

Husband and I were wondering this morning whether it would feel different if we didn't have the 'giving him back' option looming over us. Would I feel better if I just accepted that we are committed to Tickle, and that we will go ahead with the AO regardless? Are we tourturing ourselves unnecessarily by giving ourselves a choice in the matter?

It's horrible to admit that disruption is actually on the cards for us. I can't even begin to describe how it feels to be seriously considering asking Social Services to take my son away, especially knowing the impact that is going to have on his life. It's more than just moving on to another family; he wouldn't be adopted now, so he'd be moved in to long term foster care, and given his behaviour right now I don't even dare think about what might happen after that.

But can I just accept that this is it? That regardless of what happens next, whether our therapy works or not, whether we get any additional help from Social Services or not, that this is what our life is going to be now? Can we accept the possibility that he is going to get worse, and be ok with that? What would happen if he was 16 and still violent on this scale?

Today I feel like I can't do this. Tomorrow I will probably pick myself up and have another go. I'm really not sure how many more times I can do that. Today, for the first time, I have allowed myself to imagine what it might feel like to live a life without Tickle in it.


  1. I've no words that will salve or words of advice. I am listening and have had those thoughts on the darkest of days. I'm still here.

  2. My son is 7 and I know exactly how it feels as we go through the same thing. Do you have any support? Are you on any forums? Do you want my number for a chat?

    1. Thank you :) I've had virtual hugs from my Twitter chums today and real ones from Husband and my mum. Feeling a bit better.


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