Showing posts with the label infertility

All by myself

I'm having some quiet time alone this evening - Fairy is at her dad's and husband is away working for a couple of days. Of course, being self-employed I spend quite a bit of time in the house by myself, but somehow it feels different.. probably because I'm not looking at the clock every five minutes thinking "I must get this done before they all get home...". I've been thinking I'm due a blog post for quite a while, so I'm taking advantage of this time alone with my thoughts to get them all out and give them a good dusting down.

Although it's been a while since I posted anything, to be honest nothing has really changed. We're due to go on our Adoption Preparation Groups in a couple of months time, so until then we're just twiddling our thumbs.. waiting.

I still get the sad, sometimes. I spoke to our social worker about it - I'm still not entirely sure if she's going to be 'ours' for the duration, but she seems to be at our …

A quiet sort of Saturday

It's Saturday morning. (It's not, it's actually afternoon but I haven't got up yet, so that counts as still morning.) Fairy is at her dad's, husband has gone out to get his haircut. I'm at home with a big pile of admin that I'm supposed to be doing but Just Can't Be Bothered With.

I can't quite work out if I'm coming or going at the moment. I've got two major things happening alongside each other - starting the adoption process and preparing to go in to surgery for a sterilisation. Really they should work quite nicely together, but at the moment it doesn't seem like it.

I'm not sure if it's just because I'm nervous about the actual process of surgery, or whether there's still some grieving to be done over it all. Except I do know really, and there is. Even after all this time I still find it difficult to get my head around the fact that I really want to have more biological children, but I don't want to go through pre…

Moving foward

It's quite strange on Facebook at the moment, with lots of people reflecting on the year they've had, and the year they hope for. Strange because there's so much of my year that I haven't shared (although I bet if I asked my 'friends' they'd say I put just about everything up on Facebook ;) I'm drawn by nature to reflection, and part of me would like to join in, but I think perhaps I'll keep my musings here for now.

I've been a bit quiet on here the last few days - processing, I suppose, and recovering. Physically I'm doing well; still tiring quite easily (but it has only been four days after all) but although I was in a fair amount of pain straight after the op it was actually pretty much gone by the next day, just the occasional twinge.

Emotionally I've been surprised to find relief, acceptance, and a real sense of being ready to move forward. I think in my heart of hearts I never really believed this pregnancy was going to end any dif…

Here we are again

It was really hard to get up this morning. I'll admit that mornings are always a bit of a challenge, but this was in a different league. And even after I'd got over that particular mental barrier and got showered, dressed, and in the car, getting out again at the hospital seemed like an impossible feat.

Obviously this was never going to be a fun day out, but I hadn't anticipated quite how hard I'd find it to go through this for the second time within six months.

The doctors are saying this should be easy - apparently the sac thing is very low in the womb and might even just fall out after I've taken some drugs to dilate my cervix. Although they're very clear that this is my decision, there seems to me to be an undercurrent that this isn't really necessary, doesn't really warrant surgery. The nurses as usual are fabulous, but seeing yet another doctor with yet another opinion is taking its toll, and my already-thin patience is getting increasingly strain…


I'm not really nervous about the actual operation. I'd rather not have to do it, obviously, but this will be my fourth general anaesthetic so I'm pretty much used to the process.

The bit I'm nervous about is the moment of waking up.

I remember vividly the last time I was in this situation; there's a moment where you're just waking up, still a bit groggy, and your brain is gradually working out where you are and what's just happened. At that moment of consciousness all I was aware of was that I'd had a baby inside me, and now it was gone. I remember being virtually hysterical, crying for Husband (who had been told to wait on the ward) and the overwhelming flood of grief and loss.

Given that I was totally aware I'd already miscarried, and all that was left was a small amount of tissue, I was really unprepared for how the operation would affect me, how vulnerable I was going to be in those waking moments. I had already lost the baby, and I thought I wa…

Approach with caution.

.. Me, that is.

D'you know, I've just had the most rotten couple of days. No particular reason, just feeling utterly pathetic and sorry for myself. I'm miserable, grumpy, and irritable; and whatever you do, don't ask me for a favour. Or probably even the answer to a question.

Unsurprisingly, poor Husband is bearing the brunt of all this, as a punishment for that most heinous crime of *not* being the one who is pregnant. And what's more, he has the audacity to go to work every day, where he can think about other stuff and forget about what else is going on. (This is probably one of the times when being self-employed isn't the best thing in the world...)

Just one week to go now until the next scan - one more week of not knowing. The worst bit isn't even the uncertainty for the future, it's the uncertainty of *now*. It's not that I might miscarry tomorrow, next week, next month (although admittedly that's not a pleasant thought) it's that I do…

Still no news I'm afraid.

Friday 13th - happy scan day!

Or not so happy scan day as it turned out. We *still* don't have any definitive answers as to what's going on. Today's appointment can be summarised thus:

- maybe-baby has grown from 4mm to 6mm
- this isn't as much growth as they would expect
- they can see something called a 'yolk-sac' but no heartbeat yet
- this doesn't necessarily mean that there isn't a heartbeat, it may just be too early to see it
- come back on Christmas Eve and we'll have another look

Everybody seems completely confounded as to what's going on. Seeing as I've had a positive pregnancy test and am exhibiting certain signs of early pregnancy there's no reason to assume that there's anything else going on - but until they see a heartbeat they can't totally confirm anything. I'm still only 7+5 so it's such an early stage, and even the gynae doctor admitted it's basically guesswork at this stage and they can't date a…


Just two more days til my next scan.. well, two more nights really as I'm writing this just before heading to bed. I'm absolutely dreading it.

What I've realised though is I'm actually dreading both outcomes.

If we get there and find the possibly-baby hasn't grown, or there's no heartbeat, then we'll have to deal with having lost two babies within six months. Seeing as I haven't miscarried naturally it will probably mean an operation to remove the tissue, and I would guess more blood tests to rule out molar pregnancy like they did last time.

But if we find there *is* a heartbeat, and it *has* grown..? Well, then we'll be counting down to the 12 week scan to see if the placenta has attached properly. More uncertainty. And as we're counting down, every day that goes by my pelvis gets a little bit looser, my back a little more painful.

Assuming the 12 week scan goes ok I'll probably be on crutches by then. I might be in a wheelchair. And with e…

Still pregnant.. I think.

Well, the days go by and I still don't appear to have miscarried. I spent a few days absolutely convinced that I was just about to, or at the very least that the baby had died but my body just hadn't caught up yet. I still haven't entirely ruled that out if I'm honest, but I've come to realise that I don't have any actual evidence that the pregnancy isn't going ahead as normal, so there probably isn't any reason to be miserable about it. The main thing that worried me was the fact that whatever they found in the scan was a bit smaller than they were expecting.. but then there's any number of reasons for that. It might just be that I have a longer cycle than average so the dates are a bit out.

Only three days to go until the scan. All I need is to see that it's grown a bit. And a heartbeat would be nice, of course.

Yesterday hubby and I pretended we were normal expecting parents and talked about names. Most of his suggestions came from Lord of th…

Man + woman = baby

To most people it really is as simple as that. 'Not wanting' children seems to be an easier state to accept (although I'm sure there are people who still struggle to believe it could be possible) and it's become fairly well accepted that if you have trouble conceiving then you toddle off for IVF which solves all your problems.

But trying to get people to understand that it doesn't always work like that is very hard. More often than not, IVF doesn't actually work. Sometimes no matter how much you crave to have a child it just doesn't happen.

For me, I'm pregnant, so it must be simple from now on, right? Just hang in there for 34 more weeks and squeeze out my little bundle of joy, who I will of course take one look at and fall in love with instantly and all the wrongs of the world will be righted.

Perhaps 'High risk' pregnancy just doesn't mean anything to most people? How can you possibly even pretend to understand what I'm going through …

An unexpected turn of events...

Well... after having firmly decided that I wasn't going to attempt another pregnancy it appears my body may have different ideas. I've spent the last few months coming to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have any more biological children, buying dozens of books on adoption, starting to prepare myself mentally for the journey ahead, and suddenly I find I'm pregnant again.

The irony of the fact that it appears to be so easy for me to conceive a child, and yet so difficult for me to carry one is something I just don't know what to do with.

The operation I had previously means that I'm automatically a high-risk pregnancy, and will have to be put under the care of the specialist consultants at the local hospital. The operation involved removing the lining from my womb - clearly it has grown back again, but I'm not sure there's any way of knowing whether there's enough of it to properly support a growing foetus. I've got some sort of 'via…

Happy birthday to me...

I've been meaning to start up this blog for ages, and it just so happened that today, my 33rd birthday, appears to be the day. I'm new to blogging and it feels really weird sitting here writing, not quite sure who I'm writing to, or for.

I used to write a diary when I was younger, and still find it quite cathartic to get all my thoughts down on something solid, instead of whirling around in my head. I'm not 100% sure why I've chosen to do it for all the world to read (should they ever want to), but have a vague hope that perhaps one day someone will stumble across it and find something in my experiences that will help them with something they're going through.

At some point I may get really in to this and give the back story in more detail, but what you really need to know is that I started this blog at the start of my journey to adopt a child, and that's what I'm planning to write about.

This adoption stuff is all really new to me; I haven't told t…