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Showing posts with the label matching

I'm... so... tired...

I really hadn't realised quite how draining this part of the process would be. I think, when I imagined what it might be like once we'd been matched, I had visions of us happily decorating a bedroom, and then just twiddling our thumbs until panel. Oh how wrong I was...!

(Mind you, when I look back at the whole process, each bit has been just that bit harder than the last, and certainly harder than I was expecting. I'm sure there's a lesson in there somewhere...)

Earlier this week we attended a 'Life Appreciation Day'. Whoever came up with the idea of these was an absolute genius - essentially it involved as many people as possible who had worked with Tickle and his family in various contexts, all sitting round a table eating cake and talking about him. It was *so* helpful and absolutely fascinating to hear about him from so many different angles and perspectives. We had about a dozen people turn up, from the lady who had done the initial assessment of the famil…

Birth dad

I've spent the last 36 hours in a bit of a daze. The revelations about Tickle's birth father, the case being in the national press, and that awful letter just left me reeling. I've had some lovely messages of support from friends and family who read my last blog post and rallied round with virtual hugs and a lot of jokes to cheer me up! That was unexpected but lovely, and it did really help.

I had a long chat to my social worker yesterday afternoon and she was great. All through this process Husband and I have been so well supported by her, and given some of the stories I've read about adopters and their social workers I am so grateful!

First things first - Tickle won't be shown that letter from his birth dad unless he asks to see it. There is a thing called a later life letter, but apparently this is something written by the social workers. Parents can contribute photos etc and I think they can sometimes write a letter to be given to the child later.. if I'm h…

Many, many, updates.

Oh my goodness. I've just looked back at my last blog post and realised quite how much has happened since the last time I wrote anything. Blogs are funny like that - in the early days I found myself wanting to post multiple times a day, I had so much *stuff* that I wanted to get out, and I found writing really therapeutic. Nowadays it's more about updating the family and friends who are following our journey, and to be honest I'm just too blimmin BUSY right now to have time to sit down and write a decent post!

However this evening I need some therapeutic writing. But I'm going to update you all first so you know where we're at.

Any of you who have been following our adoption saga on Facebook will probably know that everything has been moved forwards, so that our panel is now at the start of November, with introductions starting some time around my birthday (yay!) and the plan is for Tickle to move in with us around the start of December. We are absolutely over the …

So what happens now...?

This is the million-dollar question, and the one we have been trying to answer to various friends and family members since we told them our news. In summary - more waiting.

I tried to explain it to Fairy by using an analogy that there is a long line of people, and we have to work our way down the line persuading each new person that we are a good match for Tickle, and hoping that they will agree - but we can't move on to the next person before the one before them has said yes.

Our first yes came from Tickle's social workers - hurrah! Had we not had that we wouldn't have been anywhere near the line at all. Our second yes has come from - I think - Tickle's social worker's bosses and extended team of professionals. Apparently they had some sort of internal meeting where Tickle's social workers told them all about us and then they were allowed to express opinions and doubts about us, these people they have never met. But anyway, that was fine, they are happy to pro…

A story about a match

There have been a number of times over the last month that I have thought about updating this blog, but haven't quite done it.

The first time was on 4th August; Fairy and I were staying at my best friends' house for a few days at the start of the summer holidays, and I'd had an email notification from the Adoption Link website that there was a new profile to view. When I clicked on the link and looked at the profile I got butterflies in my stomach. I don't know what it was about this child, but something *got* me. I remember thinking "This is my child" followed immediately by something like "What a ridiculous thing to think. Don't get your hopes up. You *know* there's more to it than that". It might sounds like I was being a bit hard on myself, but I had a point - matching is a fairly clinical, objective process, and at the stage of looking at a child's profile it matters very little whether I instantly fall in love with him and consider…

Rejection

Here is a list of reasons that we have been rejected as potential matches for children (so far):

- they are already looking at other adopters (multiple times) who are more local to where the child currently lives (multiple times)
- they just want someone more local to where the child currently lives
- they are worried that my back problems mean I won't cope with a toddler (because Fairy came as a fully formed seven year old and I have never had to cope with a toddler before..?!)
- they think we are not enthusiastic enough about this particular child (a little hard to let yourself be too attached when you know there's a good chance you're going to get rejected)
- they didn't think we'd be able to cope with the child's needs (two I agreed with, one I have no idea why they thought that for this child as there was nothing in his profile that looked remotely difficult)
- they just decided to go with someone else (multiple times)
- the child is being taken out of the…

Hard decisions

I've found this great site called The Adoption Social; it seems to be a kind of communal blog, with lots of blogging adopters linking up to share stuff. It's great, though it's very easy to lose entire days trawling through other people's blogs, and in fact, I think that's where my supposedly productive morning has disappeared to...

It's been a very interesting week for me on TAS as they have been discussing Child to Parent Violence. Obviously, we haven't yet adopted and F is just about the least likely child to be violent, but although I haven't really got anything useful to say about the subject, it is something that's been very much on my mind at our current stage in the matching process.

If you've been following our story recently you'll know that we met a child (C1) at an activity day a few months ago, who we made a real connection with. Although we had actually decided to continue to pursue a link with another child (C2) who looked lik…

Back to the drawing board

As you can probably guess from the title of this post, when the phone did eventually ring yesterday it wasn't good news. If I'm honest, I don't entirely understand the reasons they gave for not wanting to go ahead with us, and I suspect it was largely down to a gut feeling they had about the match. It's their prerogative to be honest, and there's very little we can do about it.

Our social worker thinks that because I tend to give quite thoughtful, considered answers to questions that it's possible they are being interpreted as less enthusiastic, or less committed. She thinks that when they asked us how we felt about C2's potential learning disability they were possibly looking for someone to passionately declare that nothing mattered as long as we had our boy (rather than my spiel on how the education system in this country fails at least half the children in it...) and although *she* felt we answered the question well she suspects *they* may simply have be…

Sitting by the phone

Sitting by the phone is pretty much how I'm planning to spend today. Oh, I'll pretend to get on with stuff - "I know, I'll write a blog post, that will take my mind off things" - but really, all I'm doing is sitting by the phone, waiting for it to ring. (It probably won't be too long before I start ringing the land line from my mobile just to check it's working, and it's not even 11am yet.)

It's Decision Day today. Today is the day we will hear from C2's social work team and find out whether they think we are a suitable match for him.

We had the meeting last Thursday. It seemed to go quite well; we all got on fine, had a good chat, asked questions, looked at photos. They asked about the prep group report (which I stupidly hadn't anticipated) and a few things about how we would cope with this, that, and the other. We sat rather stupefied, and tried to take in the overwhelming waves of information as they washed over us...

We were asked …

Churning

My stomach has been churning for the last week, pretty much non-stop. Last Wednesday: a bolt out of the blue, a sudden phone call 10 minutes before I was due to leave for the afternoon school run - our social worker saying that we had been chosen for 'a visit'.

(For the un-initiated among you, what this means is that a family finder / social worker has decided that they like the look of us as a match for their child, and would like to come and meet us to see if we're as awesome in the flesh as we appear to be on paper.)

If you read my last post, I expect you're delighted right now - how wonderful! You know how keen we were on C so this is really good news!

Yes! Except that it wasn't C's social worker who decided to visit.

C (who henceforth shall be known as C1) was one of three children we were looking in to - the others being A (still haven't heard a dickie bird) and C2.

There wasn't much info on C2's profile, but there was nothing in particular to…

A rollercoaster would be far preferable, to be honest.

In case you're wondering, a rollercoaster is how my social worker recently described the family finding process to me. I actually really like rollercoasters - they are exciting and scary, but at the same time operate within very strict limitations and systems so that you can be almost certain that regardless of how scary it may seem, (1) it's not actually going to hurt you, and (2) at some point soon it's going to stop. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the family finding process.

I haven't kept anywhere near as up to date with this blog as I'd intended to - one of the main reasons is that I'm finding this part of the process so incredibly difficult that it's actually far easier just to put it out of my mind and get on with my life. Naively I'd thought that the difficult bits were behind us (approval) and in front of us (when the child moves in) and I hadn't really even thought about what this bit would be like.

I wrote fairly extensively a…

Matching

I've been meaning to write this blog post for a while, but what with Christmas, New Year, and being over-loaded with work I just haven't quite managed it..! I could have written this post 100 different times and it would have come out differently each time, but here's how I'm feeling about it all today...

Firstly, a brief catch up on the basics. We're now at the stage of adoption refered to as 'Matching' or as I like to call it - limbo. Although a bit less traumatic than various parts of the approval process, this is hard in a whole load of ways I wasn't expecting.

Matching is the part of the process where we're actively looking for a child we think we could be parents to. (Contrary to what some people seem to think, they don't just hand you the one that's next in line.) The best way I can describe this is a bit like online dating - we have a profile which gets sent out to lots of Child Social Workers and Family Finders, and the children hav…